sad

cruel reality...

2005-12-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

I REALISE U JUST DONT WANT ME TO BE IN YOUR LIFE....maybe not as much as i want you in my life.... MY HEART IS TOTALLY BROKEN... bet you dont even know its you... im really very sad....

IM going to try sleep...
IM going to try eat...
IM going to relieve my pain...
IM going to live life the way i want it...
IM going to .... going to.....

WHY CANT WE BE MORE THAN FRIENDS... IM REALLY TRUE BOUT THIS... why..... just why...=/ IM GOING NUTS.... Grr.... ... ;'(

because of you...

2005-12-27T08:07:00.000-08:00

because of you i lose my sanity....
because of you i lost my will to live...
because of you i lost my appetite...
because of you i feel pain constantly...
because of you i cant study proper...
because of you i cant enjoy what i used to enjoy
because of you im ashamed of my life...
because of you everything seems wrong...
because of you im totally lost
because of you i cant get to sleep...
because of you i feel like im dying any moment...

why is it so?

cause i really need you... =/

never been so clear...

2005-12-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

perhaps its because i can get to see her more often... almost every single min... every single sec... thats why im so clear of what i want now...

missed the night badly... felt like it was the last night... though it wasnt a pleasant one.... though it was short-lived... doubt i would get another night like this... i felt happy that very night... and empty at the very next moment....

sometimes i dont understand myself... why am i living so badly for such a childish matter? have i not grown up yet? sadly i dont know myself....

nth else to say as well... /me gone

lonely? out of place? never wanted something more than this...

2005-12-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

went out...

came home...

rot at eve...

stupid day i would say...

2005-12-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

hmm wasted the whole morning doing nth... left home for raffles to meet dick at ard 2+

he went through what he meant by making big money... felt that this route wasnt right for me... discussed with folks... they wasnt with the idea either... so think im gna drop it... after that went to nyp to wait for jia hao to finish his "15 mins" lab test... we reached nyp at 6.30++ and left ard 8.15....

he couldnt finished the test on 15 mins as he says... kian and i were already super tired... so we actually slept at nyp's bus stop... very tired... i slept... and got lotsa stares from passerbys... not only because we're sleeping on the streets ... but my boxers were showing and showing kinda too obviously.... LOL cute boxers are meant to be sh0wed off =X hmm after that went to cwp for a lil pool session... played mostly with kian... won every rd i play with him (as usual =X xD) and last rd i played with jia hao... well what can i say... i lost and won... LOL people whom plays pool should know what i mean... after that made our ways home.. kinda v tired also...

reached home... sat down and o2jam a moment... went to the showers... came out and played cs... damn 2 cs players talking bout their outing non stop... felt like i was playing cs in irc/msn... where chatting was the more important thing.... so quitted and blogged =/

hmm what did i regret doing today...? hmm i did sth i shouldnt have done... looks like i've lost a fren again... as u grow old u tend to worry bout losing frens... i have very limited frens already... and yet lost another... =/ sad... but i really want her by my side though... thats the fact and i wasnt fooling ard... i meant real....

nth else... gd nite blog... =/

fun filled day?

2005-12-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

hmm not really a fun one...but better than any other days alone...

hmm went down orchard to get my pod fixed... its like wtf ... personalized pod needs a month to get fixed... or did the person meant replaced... nvm... i waited long enuff to get one like such... its worth to wait more... after queuing and wasting so much time at apple... xiao bai and i went down to lavender and made our way to beach road... we settle down at the hawker's for food that we havent touched till 4pm... we ordered claypot rice... and we waited real long for it ... its kinda popular... or the seller's are trying to 卖关子 and took their own sweet time to make it... ten bucks for almost close to 4 person's amount... after eating 2 bowls of it, i was soo fullled up... but pei fu xiao bai ... he actually still can eat tang yuan after that... bwg...

after food, we went up to the shops... i didnt expect it to be like a market place... but indeed not bad... the shops are selling cheap stuff that looks good... i bought a pair of SpongeBob boxer... gonna find courage to wear it =X saw 2 pairs of shoes... gna buy when pay comes ...

after beach rd we went sim lim to get some stupid cd-r.s so that xiao bai's fren can burn a show to watch... 真麻烦... first time went sim lim =X i know im sua gu... but there's always a first time ... respect my first time please... =X haha after that made our way back to woodlands...

after i reached home i bathe straightaway! surprisingly such a filthy person like me can go bath straight... and damn it... after that all of a sudden we went for movie with bee kwoon... LOL wenbin and i raced there but then i won cause i took the bus =X .. it was pretty unfair cause i lived 2 times the distance of him .. distance to cwp... watched narnia... nt bad nt bad... 2nd time i watched movie with bk and xiao bai... having bk ard was a extra bit of humour... LOL u cant believe how much reactions she has LOL... but a very nice experience... hope to watch more movies with these 2 good frens of mine... xD

end of day... noticed i didnt talk much bout my feelings? cause its not other people's business to know how u feel... wenbin today talk me out unwittingly... he said sth like... u sad ur prob, dont influence others please... harsh but true... i love true stuff... its hurtful but .. thanks xiao bai =X

dull weather dull feelings...

2005-12-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

stupid weather i would say... spend the whole day at home.. had plans... but last minute changes... whole day spent watching people coming offline and online on msn... worrying bout stuff that wasnt important...

living life the way i live it is simply pure bull dung... i've gotta find a way to change this... need more confidence... need more money... need more attention... need more recognition.... need more affection... and need more reality checks...

did lotsa thinking... thought if i should get to the doctors to check if im suffering from depression... feel like i've got split personalities... i can console my inner self... but i can never wake him up... guess im not mature enuff to do so yet... must get myself to be more disciplined... talk is sweet... lets see how things go...

sweet yet bitter...

2005-12-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

today at work... i was with her... working on some stuff... we were both tired when we finished our work...

as we were waiting for the function to start... i started to looked affectionally into her eyes... and admiring how pretty her little face can get... she was looking back as well and surprisingly i wasnt awkward and didnt turn away.... but things started to turn bad... i saw tears at the corners of her eyes... and her smile started to fade away.....

out of concern i asked her "为什么哭？发生什么事？".. she sat closer... put both hands on my cheeks and held my head close... my heart was beating 2 times the normal speed and i was gonna breakdown cause i was SO close to her... as our noses touch and i feel the heat of her face as she continue weeping... she asked me bitterly..."你明明也是喜欢我，为什么不说出来？你知不知道这样我很辛苦？"... my heart skipped a beat ....

without even thinking... i embraced her... held her tight into my arms... and feel like i was on cloud number nine... i hold her so close... so tightly and im so sure i don't ever want this moment to end... i was in her arms... she was in mine... nothing could ever felt better than this... for the first time i feel that im alive... after all these years of agony.... i felt alive! she made me feel that i actually do exist.... i was very happy....

but things took drastic changes.... all that happiness ended just as fast as it came.... all the agony-no-more was ending... as the depression was coming back to me.... my heart sunk into deep regions of hell as i realised i was lying down on my bed... as i realised everything was nothing but just a dream... i wept bitterly... and lie down there helplessly... :'(

emptiness...

2005-12-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

so much of emotions stirring up in a day.... causing me to be having split personalities.... im really very upset with my life.... guess im kinda too desperate... wish things would get better each day and ended up screwing things up as i think how imperfect my life has been... fcuked up i would say... ;(

better off dead

2005-11-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

recently only just fell in love with a girl from my secondary school.... didnt end up quite happily BUT I CANT IMAGINE I ACTUALLY got out of it that fast and fell for another girl... FUCKING FLIRT I AM.... very disappointed... dont know what to do.... very lost....

but never mind... after the end of december i think'll forgot this about as quickly as how i got it on my everyday thoughts... utter failure i am... guess i have only one solution... and thats to find a real girl to actually tame my useless heart down... to turn my negative thoughts to positive... and change my point of view... or i might as well just die off any moment from now...

im really sad...

2005-10-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

havent felt so sad before... never once in my life... not as sad as this time...

when i found out she was d0ing all th0se stuff for him... i was t0tally taken d0wn... i cant imagine h0w i was being such a fo0l... i really am jeal0us... but there's n0thing i can d0... cause she'll never be mine... i th0ught i c0uld just forget b0ut this easily... but n0... damn n0... HELL n0... this l0ng sw0rd in my heart is stuck in there... when i try t0 pluck this sword out... more injury was caused... if i keep it in my heart... i'll die so0ner or later... it hurts so much that my tears dr0p alm0st at anytime... i feel s0 al0ne in this world...

im n0t capable of c0ns0ling any0ne... for i cant c0ns0le myself outta this plight that im in... and pe0ple w0uldnt even pity with me... cause he has much m0re p0pularity... this is my cruel fate... and i have to cruelly accept this fate.... i've been driven to the c0rner... she drove me up against the wall... pulled me back... smiled at me... and cruelly slam me against the wall again... im hurt... very hurt...=/

all was fine... till today... =/

2005-10-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

utterly disappointed... what happened to the wendy i knew.... im totally disheartened... looks like, to them, i was only a clown... a clown to laugh at when you're happy... a clown to vent anger on when u feel like it..... im totally dumb.... was it a wrong thing to think about loving someone right from the start?

why is the outcome always the same.... sometimes i feel like blaming my luck for letting me know such "good" friends whom treat me like a clown... haojie the clown cannot show any signs of anger... he has only one thing that he can do... and thats smile ...

just now playing bball de shi hou... thinking bout what had happened to my life... i was so sad that i cried... bet no one noticed... why is it that some other people can love and get someone with so much of ease... and i get unrequited love with so much pain.... can i not grow up? can i always remain a child? i wanna be like the past... when i play my games and dont give a fuck about what others feel.... thats the point of time when i feel that im me.... im really disheartened... very disheartened....

sad...

2005-10-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

now in my mind... i feel that she can never be my girlfriend... even if she did... she and i wouldnt be happy at all.... cause think i made things too extreme... i think too extremely negative... and if results are postive... it would be very negatively followed as well... im truly sad... so sad i could end my life anytime... just like just now when ignatious dared me to step out on the road and let a car bang.... i feel like i can do it with no worries at all... somemore im kinda jealous of ignatious also... "u not fun one.... bunny more fun" ... totally hurtful.... pieces of broken heart shatterring even more...

SAD... sadistic me...

sad

2005-10-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

nowadays i realise im living for other people.... sadly i have to make this blog a personal thing... cause i cant complain... cant whine... cant show anything that im not happy with... cause that'll only make people more unhappy... when i feel jealous and wanna be alone to think bout it... im graded as treating people with attitude...... people may just think bout themselves... cant blame them... guess im the only one not allowed to think for myself?

stress.... sometime i feel that i cannot be in a r/s... im boring... irritating... and cant handle it .. im so boring that i will put my gf to sleep.... solo all this life... this feeling feels so real... so dead... so... intolerable...

..

2005-10-20T03:06:00.000-07:00

its tough to express your feelings... its even harder to survive the boycott after u express those feelings...

happy!

2005-10-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Fei Chang Fei Chang kai xin... no matter what the outcome may be...

very sad day...

2005-10-17T00:57:00.000-07:00

very sad day... came clean with my feelings and the outcome wasnt that ideal... she says she's confused...

if i were to think on the bright side... i would feel that i still stand a chance...

if i were to think like how i used to think bout everything... im ready to die anytime...

If u see this.... can u please let me know if i still stand a chance? if i do... i'll wait for the chance...

selfish...

2005-10-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

some people can get real selfish and dont think bout other's de feelings .... is this a sign to me?
is it calling me to be as so... and work as i like?... being over-considerate isnt a good thing? advice anyone?

got bullied...

2005-10-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

One man covering 3 to 4 tasks while other staffs has "work" to do... if that's not bully... maybe i should re-learn english vocabulary... ended the day today with a very sad confirmation... Can barely smile after that... my way of seeing people may not be good... but its easy to notice... =/

time to nag!

2005-10-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

STUPID DE LOR... service where can reject! freaking shit... go in le ask us COME DOWN.... what the hell has this world got in to...

zzz

2005-10-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

everything is just so so wrong.... all because u wanna see jap girls... what the hell... nvm forget it...

im dumb...

2005-10-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

yes... im dumb... im stupid... i think too much... but there aint no cure for such "illness"...

zzz

2005-10-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

Not that im being stubborn or what... but if i ask for something back when i treat my friends to a meal... i would be so damn not gentleman... 平时。。i already not gentleman le... 就让我这一次吧。。。。。

Time For Nagging...

2005-10-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

ZZZ FREAKING HELL TODAY ACTUALLY SAY HO SEH DE... IN THE END CHANGE OF PLAN... HAI WO PLAN AND THINK SO MUCH... ARGH!... done... 舒服多了。。。。

Nice Dawn...

2005-10-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

hmm barely caught any sleep ... but i picked myself up from the bed with a smile today =)
Its been so many years since i waked and smiled... felt kinda good, like as if there's a new life ahead of me... like this feeling alot... but hopefully i wont forget it the very next moment.. =/

LOL self esteem...

2005-10-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

LOL ke lian de wendy talking me out... but then i dont think would have any result also... =/ low self esteem is for life i guess
=/

hmm...

2005-10-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

Is it my fault to ask for a simple girl to be my simple friend? then when we get along well she becomes my simple girlfriend.... we have a simple courtship and get a simple marriage... after that we have a simple life till i simply die away?